Sam Smith - Pray

Laying in my bed every morning before my feet hit the floor, I spend a few minutes of quiet and focus to read from two small contemplative and meditative books that are my daily readings.

Once downstairs my usual routine is to get the coffee, going have a bite to eat and then write in my journal. This morning for some reason I missed the readings and the writing, which for me is kind of like a stream of consciousness and really also like prayer for me.

My radio is always on, because I'm such a radio head and a dyed in the wool CBC addict. When this song was being played, it stopped me dead in my tracks, the song Pray I'd never heard, by an artist I'd never heard of, Sam Smith. I guess I'm either living in a vacuum or don't listen to commercial radio. Regardless I'm now a big fan.

The lyrics touched me. I think many people feel what he describes in his lyrics, about not knowing what to say about the state of the world, or knowing how to express the inner struggles with feeling alone or being in a state of despair for whatever reason.

Reflecting on a time, 37 years ago I felt this way. I was in a quite room with a priest who was trying to spiritually walk with me and the darkest time in my life, when my late husband was on life support in Toronto's St. Michael's hospital.

I told the priest I found it impossible to pray. I wasn't able to find any words, and my heart felt like it had turned to stone. He gently touched my face, the same way my late husband would, who was a very spiritual, tenderhearted and loving man. The priest said to me, the desire to pray is a prayer in itself. In the years to come I read the same thing that the Trappist monk, Thomas Merton wrote in his book The New Seeds of Contemplation. 

There are still times I don't have the words to pray, but I'm comfortable with that because I've learned that the Creator only expects from us the honest desire in our hearts to pray, whether we have the words or not when our hearts feel like they've turned to stone. And I've read that prayer isn’t come as you are; it’s just be who you are.

 “Prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and your heart turns to stone.”
                           - New Seeds of Contemplation -Thomas Merton

I'm young and I'm foolish, I've made bad decisions
I block out the news, turn my back on religion
Don't have no degree, I'm somewhat naive
I've made it this far on my own
But lately, that shit ain't been gettin' me higher
I lift up my head and the world is on fire
There's dread in my heart and fear in my bones
And I just don't know what to say


Maybe I'll pray, pray
Maybe I'll pray
I have never believed in You, no
But I'm gonna pray


You won't find me in church (no) reading the Bible (no)
I am still here and I'm still Your disciple
I'm down on my knees, I'm beggin' You, please
I'm broken, alone, and afraid
I'm not a saint, I'm more of a sinner
I don't wanna lose, but I fear for the winners
When I tried to explain, the words ran away
That's why I am stood here today


And I'm gonna pray (Lord), pray (Lord), maybe I'll pray
Pray for a glimmer of hope
Maybe I'll pray (Lord), pray (Lord), maybe I'll pray
I've never believed in You, no, but I'm gonna...


Won't You call me?
Can we have a one-on-one, please?
Let's talk about freedom
Everyone prays in the end
Everyone prays in the end
Oh, won't You call me?
Can we have a one-on-one, please?
Let's talk about freedom
Everyone prays in the end
Everyone prays in the end


Oh, I'm gonna pray, I'm gonna pray, I'm gonna pray
Pray for a glimmer of hope
Maybe I'll pray, pray, maybe I'll pray
I've never believed in You, no, but I'm gonna pray

Autumn Leaves - Beauty

Apple River - Photo - Catherine Meyers

Autumn Leaves - Beauty

When Autumn comes around every year, it's always a little bitter sweet. I experience a multi-sensory, radiant beauty living in the Nova Scotia countryside, where land, sea and sky meet. I also experience a quiet sense of sadness, that comes to the surface. My soul and body will remember the losses of the year(s) that have passed, even if my mind doesn't. I've come to believe consciousness is found in the body.

                                                                   "Beauty is the radiance of truth."
                                                                                            - Saint Augustine

There are many people who share in these feelings with the arrival of Autumn. It's simply part of the Life/Death/Life cycle that we spend introspectively processing how it's all manifested and born out, creating meaning from our experiences.

                                         "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December."
                                                                                                                        - Thomas Merton

My heart lives in the beauty of Spring, but I know beauty only visits it doesn't linger.

"I Did Not" - Art For Change - Mark Vallen

 

The artist with his parents at Disneyland's Tomorrowland, 1959. "We're a happy family, me mom and daddy." Photographer unknown.

I don't think there is anything more that I admire in an artist or in anyone for that matter, than those who have the courage of their convictions to follow their social conscience. 

As the artist and activist Mark Vallen says in his blog, Art For A Change post, I Did Not to "be more than a witness", or what Thomas Merton talks about in his book Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander. As Dr. Cornell West says we can advocate, have empathy, and even protest but we need to organize and take action. 

I really appreciated Mark Vallen's post that was a chronological history of his life as an artist and an activist. He's a man who truly has the courage to live his convictions.

'Two Great Enemies Of Creative Work'

Wendell Berry (Photograph: Guy Mendes)

Holidays can be a lonely time for many of us, but perhaps not as much for those who understand, and are use to solitude.

I always felt a little depressed listening to Joni Mitchell's lyrics, about her being a lonely painter, living in a box of paints. As a angst ridden teenager wanting to pursue art, I  often felt this way. Thank God teenaged years don't last!

As an adult, I learned over the years, that solitude is not loneliness. Many folks fear solitude, or being alone, as they may feel solitude will cause them to be lonely. Artist's need to be comfortable with and I believe have to have a love of solitude, but they don't need to be lonely, but if you despair, this can be very detrimental to your creativity as can pride be, according to Wendell Berry.
  " We enter solitude, in which also we lose loneliness…" - Wendell Berry

Here is a wonderful article about what, prolific writer, American novelist, poet, environmental activist, cultural critic, and farmer, Wendell Berry has to say about pride, despair, solitude and creativity.

" A creation of importance can only be produced when it's author isolates him/herself,
 it is a child of solitude." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

Anna Deavere Smith - " Be More Than Ready "

 

Anna Deavere Smith 

" Be more than ready. Be present in your discipline. Remember your gift. Be grateful for your gift and treat it like a gift. Cherish it, take care of it, and pass it on. Use your time to bathe yourself in that gift. Move your hand across the canvas. Go to museums. Make this into an obsession…
What you are will show, ultimately. Start now, every day, becoming, in your actions, your regular actions, what you would like to become in the bigger scheme of things. "

I learned about Anna Deavere Smith today, from a site I subscribe to called, Brain Pickings. I love this site because I always learn something about artists, people, psychology, and human behaviour etc.
Everyday we learn, whether we want to or not. It is especially wonderful and joyous to learn if you want to. Perhaps there are some who are unaware that they want to learn. Teaching ourselves, or being taught is discipline. There is no shame in admitting we don't know something, but it is vital that we have a desire and willingness to learn and not be fearful of what others will think of us. I believe it is false pride to not admit that we don't know about something.

Remembering my early life as a young girl, I am so grateful to my mother for the opportunity to study piano,  accordion and art. The fact I don't recall wanting to take piano, or accordion lessons isn't relevant, more important, is that the regular practice of lessons, and playing, helped immeasurably, because it gave me a discipline and later assisted me to apply it to many creative pursuits I wanted to immerse myself in, primarily in art, music, and writing.

Piano was a great foundation to start and to build from. This was not an easy endeavor, as other personal issues and concerns interrupted my ability to be disciplined. I began to think of discipline as a dirty word, and associated it with something I had to do, and it was going to be an unpleasant experience, because I didn't want to do it.

 Thankfully, I always returned to creativity, where I would tap into that discipline, and it eventually enabled me to understand freedom, through discipline. I began to really connect with what makes me happy, what my gifts were,  immersing myself in creative activity and practicing my art in a disciplined way.
 It's a great feeling to know and understand discipline, having learned this without my knowledge at an early age. Grateful thanks to my mother for helping me to understand the importance of discipline in creativity, helping me to find my way, and letting me be who I am, an artist.


 “Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

Politics

Well here we go again with another election. I am a rather apolitical person with a social conscience. I have heard it said as an artist and a human being everything we do is political in some way. I tend to believe this to be indeed true. Even apathy is a political statement.

As an artist and a citizen living within society I can't afford to be complacent or apathetic.
I have no desire to be the guilty bystander. It is difficult to reconcile oneself to this when it comes election time in Canada. People are cynical and fed up with the inaction of politicians and their inability to relate to the common working man or women as they generally appear to live in ivory towers, squabbling among them selves about who is right or wrong and taking the moral high ground. When it comes to politicians I think most folks would see this description of politicians taking the moral high ground as being an oxymoron.

So the inevitable question I am left with once again, is who to vote for and as an artist and a struggling student when I think about it, I have to consider the lesser of four evils or the one that comes close to my concerns as an artist and as a Canadian.

All I have to say is, I will once again vote.

God help me and our country.


“It is true, political problems are not solved by love and mercy. But the world of politics is not the only world, and unless political decisions rest on a foundation of something better and higher than politics, they can never do any real good for men. When a country has to be rebuilt after war, the passions and energies of war are no longer enough. There must be a new force, the power of love, the power of understanding and human compassion, the strength of selflessness and cooperation, and the creative dynamism of the will to live and to build, and the will to forgive. The will for reconciliation.” - from Introductions East & West. The Foreign Prefaces of Thomas Merton

Art Story

I was hoping to have a few more things to post regarding my Open Media project but a computer glitch only allowed for these three files to be forwarded. I'll be expanding these further, and will be posting all of the excerpts from two of my journals, dating back to 1982 to 1995. As well, I will be posting more of my late husband's writings, that he wrote in the 70s. These are the first of a number to follow, involving this journal and writing project. To me they all are an expression about life of somewhat unconventional prayerful like thoughts.

The brown marked journal begins in 1982. A lot of changes took place in my life during the period of time, covered in this journal; two years after losing my first husband to a tragic death after four months of our marriage. During this time I turned 30, married and divorced my second husband and reunited with my absentee alcoholic father after 26 years of not knowing his whereabouts.

The second large book, Morning Pages Journal, I made a contract with myself to commit to writing everyday, three pages, which began in 1995. This was also the first year I was introduced to, The Artist Way, by Julie Cameron, which literally changed my life. I had one year of sobriety as a recovering alcoholic, quit my 8 year job as a Youth Care Worker and went riding horses for two years and it was the year my loving mother died.

The single sheet, is a page from one of many writings, belonging to my late husband. This was a writing dedicated to his youngest, little brother, Buddy. Bill's passion was writing and working with troubled kids, and blues. He loved the written word and considered himself to be a writer. I very much believe, Bill truly had the heart of a writer and taught me so much about compassion and generosity more than anyone else I have every met in my life, and after 30 years, I still miss him deeply.

I will be sharing additional excerpts from these journals, along with all of my late husband's writings I have had, since 1980 and have never shared with anyone. Bill died in 1980 following many years of suffering from drug induced paranoid schizophrenia and brittle diabetes. He was 26 when he died, I was 27 and we had been married for a very short four months, after being together for one year. He was truly my best buddy, the love of my life, my soul mate and the heart of my heart.

I have chosen to make this a part of my art work sharing these writings. We all have our own important story to share, and this is a big part of mine and Bill's.