Saturday, November 4, 2017

"Wounded Faith"

Sheila Allan 1955-2017

I've believed in God since I was a young one. A faith that was imparted to me by my dear late mother, for which I'm very grateful.

Having experienced the loss of many of those I deeply loved throughout my life and I don't recall being angry at God. I expect it was because I wanted to see the positive and to find gratitude and meaning within the sorrow. I was never a fan of anger.

Today I was confronted with my anger about my life long dear friends getting sick and dying. It's unfair and made little to no sense to me, and so I found myself angry.

During Sheila's service this afternoon among all who loved her so much, I found myself struggling with the words the Priest expressed, that were supposed to comfort.  Many of my closet friends expressed the same. They felt angry and were questioning why.

After I got home, I reflected. I see anger is a normal human reaction to something that's unfair, and it's in response to not having any answers to the question, why did this happen?

I also now understand, anger draws much more energy than gratitude. I don't want to feed my anger, but I do have a right to it. It's simply a feeling, and feelings pass. And so I choose to be so grateful to have had such a beautiful soul in my life and to have the privilege to call Sheila my dear sweet friend, and she will forever live in my heart.

Here's what Eli Wiesel said about faith and anger. I so love what he said, because it acknowledges that he hasn't lost his faith, but describes what he calls, having a "wounded faith", experiencing anger, questioning, and quarreling with God.

"My faith is a wounded faith, but my life is not without faith. I didn't divorce God, but I'm quarreling and arguing and questioning, it's a wounded faith."

                                                                                        - Eli Wiesel    


Blondi said...

I am still angry at life, or the universe, for my mother's illness and death more than 12 years ago. It took me a long time to identify the feeling of betrayal I've had since the year it happened. I know it's a bit irrational and that it's better to let it go. But it is what it is. I'm sorry you've had to say goodbye to your loved one. -Kate

Unknown said...

Thank you dear Kate <3

I've come to see that the separation between a mother and child is one of the most painful experiences human beings have in life, especially due to death. When I lost my mother 22 years ago, although I might have appeared "normal" enough, I know looking back I had a complete break down emotionally.

I had no idea how to cope, and it seemed almost impossible to move forward in life, but I did, but it is like an old wound in my heart that aches when the rain comes.

My friend was a beautiful mother who lost two children and has left a beautiful daughter behind, who is truly her mother's daughter with her mother's loving spirit.

Judith Joseph said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Catherine. I think that, as artists, we are gifted with the ability to find comfort in creating, to lose ourselves in the studio, or in writing, or however we express ourselves. I hope your creative work will bring you solace, joy and a connection with the world that will soothe your feeling of loneliness in the wake of this loss. Such a tough one; so very sorry.
Your friend,

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